sat there at this holiday table, I wondered if this was the price to pay for my freedom. I’d just left my abusive husband and my parents and children were celebrating with him.

A friend I didn’t know very well invited me to share the day with her. She’d invited another divorced friend and some newlyweds who couldn’t keep their eyes or hands off each other. Not awkward at all.

I don’t know if the room was dimly lit or if that’s just how I felt. It was really nice of my friend to include me but I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

All I’d known until then were holidays surrounded by family. Where my dad judged my weight and admonished me for protesting “playful” jabs from my husband. Where the holiday stress brought out another level of tension and the desperate need to cover it with a game of “Let’s Pretend We’re a Loving Family.” But I wasn’t always so good at smiling through that game and was picked on for it. Oh, the irony!

I didn’t want abuse but I didn’t want to be somewhere I definitely didn’t belong either. Was the only other option to be alone?

In my journey after childhood sexual abuse, I've faced holiday challenges :

• dreading family gatherings because of past and current abuse (before I started healing, I didn't even know that's WHY I dreaded them.)
  
• feeling alone because of estrangement from most of my family (especially in the beginning of my healing journey)
  
• feeling isolated because I believed the rest of the world was celebrating and in loving relationships
  
• feeling overwhelmed because I felt like I was doing most of the giving and serving
  
• feeling resentful for spending too much time, energy and money instead of considering what actually felt good to me and WAS good for me
• feeling exhausted from trying to make things perfect (and control everything) to cover up my shame

Overall, the holidays left me feeling more stressed than joyful. But step by step, I've addressed the beliefs and habits that kept me there.

If you've survived childhood abuse, the holidays can be especially stressful and overwhelming. But it doesn't have to be that way. Good self care can provide a holiday you actually enjoy.

Whether your holiday struggle is family issues or you over commit yourself, you deserve to consider your needs.

Self care isn't about being selfish.

As you learn to consider your needs and meet them, you'll actually have more energy to do the rest of your life better and with more love, which will give you more peace and more joy.

How would it feel to love and nurture yourself through the holiday season so you can start 2019 refreshed and inspired?