A Personal Guide for Healing Your
7) Somewhere (in very close proximity to our own little branch) in our family tree there are one or more alcoholics, drug addicts or someone excessively obese. It is our parent, an aunt, uncle or a grandparent. Often there is a mixture and we should count ourselves into the mix, if applicable. It is a familial and generational affliction. So even if we are none of the above, we are guaranteed to have, through association, adopted some of their addictive characteristics. If you aren’t an alcoholic, obese or addicted to drugs, did you marry someone that is? Is your child or grandchild struggling with this?
8) We were abandoned. Some of us were abandoned physically, some psychologically, some emotionally. Many feel their very soul was abandoned. Once we are in a romantic relationship we will accept, and make excuses for, nearly any kind of treatment we receive in order to sustain the relationship. It is not love that binds us but the abject fear of abandonment. As children we were powerless to prevent our abandonment. We mistakenly believe, as adults, we can prevent any and all forms of abandonment. The lengths we are willing to go to do so, are a clear-cut indication that we have abandoned ourselves.
9) Our empathy tank is running on empty. If we have mastered suppressing our own needs and emotions, how could we possibly feel anyone else’s feelings? We may truly want to be empathetic. We give it our best shot. But until we are willing to be present with our own inner mechanisms, it is an aspect of healthy relationships that will continue to evade us. Nearly all the rescuing we do is about craving love and acceptance for ourself. Most of the ‘helpful’ advice we give is a mechanism for not dealing with our own suppressed psychological and emotional maelstrom.
10) The thought of putting ourselves first is abhorrent. In our minds it confirms that we are selfish and incapable of deep abiding love. It is the biggest, cruelest lie we have assimilated. Our childhood put us in a position to be caretakers at a very young age. We either had a parent who required our ongoing attention, a sibling we parented, since there were no emotionally stable adults around to do so, or we parented ourselves to the best of our ability. Our innate relationship with sadness is directly linked to this completely erroneous belief which we have infused into every facet of our life.
11) We are lost when it comes to boundaries. We wander, back and forth, over the wavy lines of what should or should not be allowed in our interactions with our romantic partners, family, friends, acquaintances and co-workers. Others treat us however we allow them to. Since our wants and needs as children carried so little concern amongst the adult players in our life, we never developed the understanding that we decide how we will or will not be treated. Because we do not understand about setting boundaries, conversely, we do not understand about not violating others’ boundaries. This is another mystery of healthy relationships that regularly sets us on the periphery, peering in.
If you would like to further explore the unexpected effects of childhood trauma in your adult life and learn how to set yourself free from the sadness and self-doubt which has plagued you for far too long- please subscribe to the blog.